Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Why is it when you think things are settled, old feelings come back? Why is it that I have to hurt someone again? I'm dating this cool guy. He's sweet and he compliments me. I almost feel like he's too good for me. I like to tease the guy. He's got those tendencies of reacting so cute. But most of all, why must my ex come back to me? Why is it that when I'm with this new guy that the old guy seems to pop up every now and then. Not all the time but every so often.

Being with the new guy feels unreal. So dreamlike that I have to look back on the day and wait till it hits me that I've been with him that day. He's wonderful but why is it that I take so long to adjust, to catch up to what's happening. Why is the old guy chasing after me now? I have so many question left unanswered. Again, I've never had stuff like this happen to me before. I feel uneasy and want everything to just be settled. I know I still have feelings for the old guy. It's not like I wasn't with him for over a year. I went through a lot with him. I can't help whats going on. I thought things were good till he started chasing after me.

I want to make everyone happy,but I can't. I have to break hearts along the way. I know this and try to avoid this. I try my very best to please everyone. I know that I have to please myself but why is it that the old guy is bothering me and the new guy is here. I care about both guys. Of course I'd care about the old guy because we've got history. The new guy is charming. He's sweet. I don't want to fall under the category of girls that have harmed him because I want to be that one that was cool. I don't want to be the bad one. I want to take care of this guy. I don't want to be influenced but the old guy, but it's too late. I've said things that can probably hurt both guys. I hate this.

I know it's stupid to be typing this on the internet for all to see. I don't really have a choice because I've been told so many things that I should do due to past experiences from co-workers. There were a lot of opinions and they all led up to being with the new guy. I don't want to make a stupid decision that would prevent me from making choices. I don't want the old guy to cause me to do things that I shouldn't. All these questions. I hate them all. Why should I doubt things about myself because the old guy decides to chase after me now. WHY NOW? I felt so stupid when I chased after him the day when he said I was cheating. It felt like the only thing I could do to convince him. He realizes now what he's done. Do I let him have another chance? Or do I just forget about it and just tell him that I can't do it again? Yes, I've told him that but things led to another and now I'm in the situation I am now.

This drama needs to end. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. But I'm confused and my future has been blurred. Maybe I should just be alone for awhile. Gah, I was happy for a while but the old guy comes back into my head. I'm reverting. I don't want this stress again. Let me catch up to reality already!

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