Sunday, June 20, 2010

Daily Dribble

New work in progress....well kinda. Been sitting on my desktop for at least a month and barely work on it.

It's slowly making it's way out of the WIP folder's clutches. It has meaning. I only say this because I only draw flowers in pictures if they mean something. There's a meaning in it and it lies in the flowers. I might have given away with my past posts. This is based on what has gone on in my life thus far. I feel regret and I feel sorrow. I lost a dream that I wish to get back but I'm not sure if the other half is even interested. I'm afraid to even ask, lol.

I'm some piece of work.

I've also burned almost all 10 of my fingers and two knuckles with my hot glue gun. mmmmm, yes. I only managed to get one tiny 3rd degree burn and two blisters. They make typing and everyday stuff harder, but it's all good. But yes, I'm some piece of work.

I got a lot of work to do and I only have a couple more weeks to do it in. So much in so little time!

But first, gotta be happy and get back that dream.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Going for it

Sometimes decisions are made but you soon realize that these things aren't forever. Sometimes you change your mind and sometimes you don't. It only takes a bit to set me straight. Some once said that it will come to you like a holy vision. Maybe I just had mine.

I'm aiming to be happy and not pleased.

This is what I want. It's what I will work for. Hopefully there's someone out there for me.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Why is it when you think things are settled, old feelings come back? Why is it that I have to hurt someone again? I'm dating this cool guy. He's sweet and he compliments me. I almost feel like he's too good for me. I like to tease the guy. He's got those tendencies of reacting so cute. But most of all, why must my ex come back to me? Why is it that when I'm with this new guy that the old guy seems to pop up every now and then. Not all the time but every so often.

Being with the new guy feels unreal. So dreamlike that I have to look back on the day and wait till it hits me that I've been with him that day. He's wonderful but why is it that I take so long to adjust, to catch up to what's happening. Why is the old guy chasing after me now? I have so many question left unanswered. Again, I've never had stuff like this happen to me before. I feel uneasy and want everything to just be settled. I know I still have feelings for the old guy. It's not like I wasn't with him for over a year. I went through a lot with him. I can't help whats going on. I thought things were good till he started chasing after me.

I want to make everyone happy,but I can't. I have to break hearts along the way. I know this and try to avoid this. I try my very best to please everyone. I know that I have to please myself but why is it that the old guy is bothering me and the new guy is here. I care about both guys. Of course I'd care about the old guy because we've got history. The new guy is charming. He's sweet. I don't want to fall under the category of girls that have harmed him because I want to be that one that was cool. I don't want to be the bad one. I want to take care of this guy. I don't want to be influenced but the old guy, but it's too late. I've said things that can probably hurt both guys. I hate this.

I know it's stupid to be typing this on the internet for all to see. I don't really have a choice because I've been told so many things that I should do due to past experiences from co-workers. There were a lot of opinions and they all led up to being with the new guy. I don't want to make a stupid decision that would prevent me from making choices. I don't want the old guy to cause me to do things that I shouldn't. All these questions. I hate them all. Why should I doubt things about myself because the old guy decides to chase after me now. WHY NOW? I felt so stupid when I chased after him the day when he said I was cheating. It felt like the only thing I could do to convince him. He realizes now what he's done. Do I let him have another chance? Or do I just forget about it and just tell him that I can't do it again? Yes, I've told him that but things led to another and now I'm in the situation I am now.

This drama needs to end. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. But I'm confused and my future has been blurred. Maybe I should just be alone for awhile. Gah, I was happy for a while but the old guy comes back into my head. I'm reverting. I don't want this stress again. Let me catch up to reality already!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Some people don't like the label of girlfriend or boyfriend. I think it a show of ownership, something off limits, or a safe zone? I know for a fact that I have little to no idea. I just recently got out of a relantionship that lasted for a little over a year. He was a cool guy, it was just his temper and his expectations. He had a lot of good qualities. I don't regret going out with him. He was my first boyfriend since I left high school. Though, relationships in high school are worthless and just simple puppy love. Nothing real. Relationships take a lot of work. I don't feel like he did anything to keep me with him. No, that's a lie. He did in the past, but then stopped. He had me and then he didn't. We ended on a break and I turned it into a break up because breaks are nothing but false hope. Then we went back out and he didn't trust me because another guy popped up and I was accused of cheating. The entire time I was confused and knew I didn't cheat. I don't know. I talked to my co-workers for advice and opinions. I ended up breaking up with him because the last phone conversation was horrible. He'd say sorry but than yell at me for something else, like 3-4 times. I broke up with him the next morning. In all honesty, I was scared of him because he said he would use every thing against me int he future. You can't make that seem like a good thing. I couldn't deal with that. He's really good with using words while I am not.

After I left him, the new guy popped up again. I appreciate his company but we are not in a relantionship. I enjoy his company because it's something I care about when looking for someone. Someone who won't complain about me not talking. I don't know. After getting out of a relantionship, anything is possible. We already talked about the "rebound." I though I was the rebound and he thought he was the rebound. It was amusing. He's easy to talk to and he's sweet. He's talented and very passionate. It's a bit different from what I just got out of but we're both just testing the water. So far I like the temperature but I don't want to go too fast, though I'm sure it's too late for that.

I've never just dated people. I always just went straight into the relantionship of being labeled as a girlfriend. I want to be happy. I want to see what's out there, but I just can't help but miss what I just got out of. I miss him. I do. Just right now isn't the time for me to be doing this with what all has happened. Only time will tell and hopefully something good will come my way.